Broken

Disclaimer: This post narrated to me by someone who greatly affected emotionally by her past experiences. In order to get better she had to dealt with the trauma, face her fear and overcome her insecurities. One of which is making peace with her past. Road to recovery is never easy for those with depression. Show them some love if you happened to know one.

It is true. We can’t choose our parents.

Growing up in a house under strict parents made me questioning God (until now) why did he let me into this family. It was so wrong in multiple ways.

To be fair to my parents especially my father, yes.. he did provided us with the basics i.e clothes of his choice… Foods of his choice…School of his choice. Every single things in the house was his choice. We had no say on anything whatsoever. Never! We weren’t even allowed to question it. And that’s it. His words are final. No room for discussion.

My years of living with my parents full of terror, stress, hatred and…bruises because my dad believes instilling fears was the only way to discipline his little minions (us siblings). He resorts to beating, kicking and scolding and our crying is his favourite melody.

My Mother….she is one of a kind. Of course she was less vulgar and violence. But she is very cunning. Don’t get fooled by her sweet smile and friendly attitude. She was the main reason why beating and scolding seems endless in our house. My Mother…instead of defending us from my dad’s beating and scolding and kicking, just watched it and let it happened despite our crying for help. Why would she? When it was her who caused it with her never ending complaints and reports to my Father on how us siblings behaved on that day or that weeks or the previous weeks months or years.

Mind you we were only kids then. We just wanna have fun and enjoy our childhood like most other kids. We don’t have Internet back then but we invented fun games with our friends back at school and in the area we lived in. Most of the games were outdoors and world’s around us eventhough seems so small, have lots to explore.

But to my parents, we are not supposed to do that. We were supposedly staying home and help my mom with house chores i.e cooking..cleaning…washing. The only person who received favourable treatment from my parents is my eldest sister. She is their favourite child and the fact that she knew it and use it against us and still managed to get away with it made us hates our parents even more. We were very helpless at that time. That is why during our childhood days, my sister (the one that closest and dearest to me) and I always talking about leaving our parents and live somewhere else and build a home we always dream of and wanted to live in.

We always had each other backs.

Of course we fought. Siblings destined to fight against each other but we reconciled in a speed of light. We were so closed up to a point where we knew each others secrets and keeping them from my parents.

Until to date, the bond I have with my sister remains strong. She was the only one I can rely on especially emotionally.

Every year we were hoping for the changes in my parents behaviour. But until my teenager’s years though the physical threatening was lesser by 10%, the vulgar words were continously thrown at us daily. My parents has this exceptional ability to make their children feel less valuable, stupid, ugly and unworthy.

To sum up…my life with my parents never easy…I learnt happiness from strangers I met who become friends and family.

Despite the bad memories, we still love them and trying our best to provide them even more than what they had provided us.

When I said WE. It is me and the sister that I am close with. The eldest one the one that they had given and sacrifice so much..the one they thought that would take a great care of them was their biggest failure and disappointment. But my parents being my parent, despite the obvious they seems to live in denial. Guess what the favourite one remains favourite. She’s forgiven in many ways. But not us the other children, our existence depending on how much we can provide.

I still have the same dream though until to date…better parents that I never have and been longing for for as long as I could remember.

Oh ya talking about practice what you have preached…ha ha that was not my parents. Despite their high regards on moral value, family affairs and religions, they are the sinners in many ways. I hope their years of devotion to God will help them in Akhirat despite the damage they had caused to their children soul.

I was broken inside as a result of their actions and behaviour. I blame them in most ways. I have been struggling to fix the damaged they have done to my mental, humility and confident.

They never ask for our forgiveness but demanded us to ask for theirs.

They wanted us to respect and listen to them and I thought by being their child it is only natural to do so eventhough I feel wronged everytime until I understand that respect is to be earned not to be forced out of anyone.

It hurts. It is still.

Though they were forgiven.

I shall NEVER FORGET.

Second baby….? Ermmm…I don’t think so!

Being a Mother is the most rewarding feeling I had ever experience but if people ask me whether I would love being a mother for the second time all over again…..I would say NO.

I don’t think so.

I’m not mentally and emotionally strong to begin with. To be honest, I have a difficult time playing role as a Mother. I do not wish to be in a position where I am uncertain and clueless most of the time. However, being a parent put you in an uncertainty and inconvenience most of the time. It made me scared of what future gonna hold for my little boy.

To be really honest, I never dream of being a mother. It was never occurred to me and in my mind that one day I will become a mother. I am almost certain that I will never be able to get pregnant. Just because.

But God has a better plan for me. I could not understand it at first nor that I understand it better now, but who am I to question what he had in store for me. There must be a reason and one day it will hit me and I will be able to say “Ohhhhhh…now I know”

So for the time being let me try my very best to be a good mother to my adorable son. Though I constantly think that he deserves a better mother but to give him up is not something that I will ever do or think of. My son is the person that I love the most in this entire universe. The love I have for him is so true, pure and unconditional.

Sweeter than Jelly Bean.

Back to the thing I said earlier of me being a mother for the second time, it’s a personal choice that I would love people around me to respect despite the popular beliefs. I’m not against anything but each of us has different struggles. My life is different from other people’s life. I have my very own reasons. I will let God decides on my behalf as he knew what is the best for me. He knew why I do not wish to become a mother again but I also believe that he had forseen everything and what future hold for me. THEREFORE, if he eventually decided against my will I will accept it and redha.

*The 18th months young Sirr Abbasy Emmanuel.

For the Love of Dim Sum

I love Dim Sum.

Who doesn’t?!

But normally, people went for a dim sum spree with friends or family. It’s a sumptuous meal that gets even delicious if enjoyed by many while updating each others on recent scandalous gossips or down memory lane over almost forgotten gossips.

Not in my case.

Since no body is available to join me on my Sunday’s Dim Sum buffet @ Hyatt Regency Kinabalu quest, I went there all by myself. ALONE. Yup!

Some will think ‘How pitiful’. Who would wanted to have a meal alone.

Ermmmm. ME.

I DID IT COUNTLESS TIMES. AND ITS TOTALLY FINE.

Plus, I don’t really have that many close friends to begin with. The older I gets, the smallest circle of friends I had.

I will end up real alone and really lonely by the time I reach 60.

So back to my dim sum story. I think I have gone a little bit too greedy. I wanna try everything on the table so I ended up putting every kind of dim sum on my plates and then realized, I might be a little too much for some one who went there ALONE.

But to return it back to the tray would be inappropriate and no one is allowed to have a ‘take out’ for left over dim sum.

So you can imagine what happened next to the greedy girl. What supposed to be enjoyable and fun dim sum eating session become the most suffering moment of stuffing the dim sum to your mouth and forcing it way in to your already full tummy for the sake of trying to finish them all.

At the end, I didn’t finish it. I COULDN’T or else I will end up dying for eating too much dim sum.

So I gave up. That’s enough!

Soooo…..

Do I really enjoy eating dim sum alone?

I don’t mind the eating alone part. I will do it again sooner than I thought. BUT do I wanna have another dim sum buffet sessions any time sooner? Ask me again after 8 months. I think I have a little too much love for dim sum this time around. I need a break!

Photos: Some of the dim sum I had on my table.

*The price for the buffet is RM88/-.

R.E.B.O.R.N

I’m back on blog!

I know I have made a promise to blog everyday. I DID….for three consecutive days! What an achievement. But promises are meant to be broken 😂. So….I stop after 3rd publication. For good!

Nahh…just kidding.

Too many things happened and the recent one was my father Bypass graft operation. So my focused at that critical time was on different things. Hence, this blogging thing was put on hold until further notice.

Anyhoo…past is past and now I’m on blog again.

Andddd……

I wanna share something interesting.

The thing about me is I can’t keep my mouth shut if I am excited about something or something exciting is happening in my life. So the urge of spreading the excitement made me wanted to blog about it very badly.

Here it goes.

I owned a law firm since 14.08.2015. But it was not like any other law firm. I was operating from home. For almost three years. And yeah…I have no physical office. Just a small room in my rented apartment decorated into a nice working space. I’m doing okay but not great. Then, two years later, I venture into fashion design business. Guess what?! It doesn’t turn out the way I expected. Another then…I got pregnant. Had a baby. Too much too handle for a first time ever mom..I put my career on hold for almost two years.

The thing is..being a mother is a big responsibilities especially on the financial side. Raising a child had drained out my savings. Plus, I don’t have strong support system. I’m basically on my own most of the time. I just didn’t get the helped that I’m expected. Enough said. I’m not going to elaborate more on that. I am a positive person now.

So, being a full time mom allows me to re-evaluate everything that had happened in my life. From the good and the bad. The ups and the downside. The success and the failure. And the FUTURE of my son.

I never had an easy start from the very beginning. I was born in an average income family. What we had is just enough. Then my dad got a lil bit of luck in business and he managed to send us all for higher education before he running out of luck and out from business several years later. We were far from rich but definitely better than before during that glorious time. So for the education provided by my dad, I am trully grateful.

When I’m in a legal practice, I met different kind of people with a different kind of upbringing. Some were considered extremely lucky for having a rich parents. Some were meant to inherit already established law firm. As for myself, I have to start from scratch. It was difficult…really difficult I’m not gonna lie. Of course I learnt a lot from that experience. The toughest the better they said. But do I wish my child to suffer as much? God forbid!

I know some will said, it will be a good lesson for them. They need to know the value of hardwork. But how do you know that the already rich kids doesn’t have to work hard just because their parents are a good provider. Let me tell you something. The spoil brat rich kid is a fairy tale. Almost non-existent. I never met spoil brat rich kids in my 39 years of living. What I witnessed was a constant effort to be as better as their rich parents and making them proud of their achievement. That is how they thank their parents for giving them so much in life. They don’t take things for granted.

Being rich doesn’t mean they work less harder than other people. Everyone had a different struggle. The good thing is they are quite lucky in a sense that their parents have provided them with a strong and establish platform.

This is what I wanted to give my son…a legacy. Something he can continue from where I left.

So with little money I had, I planned for me and my son’s future. There was a struggle in between but its okay now.

So..goes back to my law firm things. Though over the years I have developed love and hate…on and off relationship with this profession, I have to admit that through this job I managed to make enough savings and allows me to take a break and be a full time mother to my almost two years old son.

This job gives me more than I expected. Plus, this upcoming 1st July marked my 14th years in this industry.

So I made a decision to continue being a lawyer. I was meant for this job anyway. For perpetuity. Instead of rejecting the already sealed fate, might as well I go along with it and make the most out of it. Afterall, I know how to make this works. I have been in this industry for quite sometimes and I believe I have learnt enough survival tricks to remain in this profession for a very long period of time.

So I made a bold decision. With some savings left, I begin to look for a office to rent. Not space. Not virtual office. BUT a proper office.

I should have done this long time ago. Work and personal life will never get along well if you mix them in one place. In my case, home office was really a bad idea. I learnt my lesson.

There was this saying-

‘If you treat your business like a business it will pay you business but if you treat your business like hobby it will cost you hobby’

So, if I really wanted to make this works, I need to do it right.

Of course in whatever decision we are making, there’s always pros and cons and risks running along with it. BUT I need to make this works. No room for doubts, self defeated monologue and giving up. For the sake of my son’s future I really….for the 100th times….really needs to make this works.

And……thankfully and gratefully, I have an undivided support from my sister. She knew the struggle I’m living under and offered to help me in a most unexpected way. For that I’m trully grateful. Ani…lets do this for our beloved child.

So…on my next blog I will share some photos of my newly renovated office for my law firm.

It’s a small office but for the time being this is the best I could afford. Lets pray that the business doing well so I can have the bigger one in a future.

Insha Allah. AMIN.

Haters that Hate….Lovers that Love

I couldn’t sleep last night.

Fever and Flu caught my little one and made him a little bit uncomfortable since yesterday.

The thing is whenever his friends i.e little fever and flu comes visiting, most of the time unannounced, I tend to get a little bit panic and stress.

Okay. I lied.

Not little but over the top sort of panic attack followed by the unnecessary stress. Hence, the sleepless night.

So, to kill time and while constantly checking on my baby temperature for every 30 minutes I decided to watch US reality TV show called Shark Tank. My current obsession. I am now at Season 9. I have completed Season 10 last week.

Back to the episode I watched last night, there was this guy asking $200,000 from the sharks in return of 5% stake of his company. This guy has been developing a Dating app called Hater. The interesting part is you will be meeting your potential better half through this app based on what you hate instead of what you like or love. How brilliant is that.

This guy went on saying that based on research, people actually tend to bond over things they hate rather than things they like or love and boy couldn’t I agree more? Call this guy nonsense or me crazy but that’s true you know.

And you know this guy is right all along. Don’t bluffed yourself.

How long it takes for you and your besties to continue talking about fashion you like, people you love, things you enjoy before realized how boring it was and turn the conversation into fashion you hate, people you annoyed, things that stress you out and many more. It could go on and on and on with more of exclamation marks coming your way rather than a full stop. And when you besties meet again, it continues. You talk about ‘hate’ like no body business.

Many of us didn’t realized this but this is for real. People bonds over hate. It’s contagious. Some even took it to another level by posting their ‘Hate’ thought across social Media…uncensored. Some goes even higher by spreading hate at anyone or strangers’ post in comment’s section. That is why nowadays don’t be so surprised whenever you click on someone’s post or blog you couldn’t help but noticing that it contains more Haters that hate than Lovers that love. It’s a war of words. The comments with full blast of hate bomb received more likes and loves compare to the one with peace offering.

I’m not saying I am an exception. I do have hates to offer…lots of it. For example, a recent event where a video of judges dancing with controversial figures in Malaysia goes viral. They were heavily criticized and bombarded with hates comments. I have my thought and opinion about it and I can assure you..it’s on the HATE side.

Same goes to the actress who have decided to take off her Hijab for good after 5 years of wearing it. As a Muslim and someone who is wearing Hijab, I have lots to say about her action. And once again, I can assure you, it’s also on the HATE side.

The thing is we tend to look for BAD rather than GOOD, HATE instead of LIKE, NEGATIVE compared to POSITIVE. Again, I’m not saying this because I am an exception. I’m not Miss Nice kinda type you know. The different here is I rather keeping all that HATE to myself rather than spreading it over social media like mad….as I always believe ‘If you have nothing nice to say….just SHUT UP!”. Zip it. Or if you really can’t help it, call your besties..spill everything over a coffee and sumptuous meals.

OR why don’t you cites istighfar, “Astaghfirullahaladzim” every time you have the urge to think or say something that full of hatred. Trust me. It works….every time.

AND GUESS WHAT??

The Dating App guy, as crazy as his app’s sounds, he received 4 offers out of 5 Sharks. He’s gonna be a Billionaire bro!!

Now you….don’t hate.

Lawyer vs. Blogger

I still can’t get over of the fact that I am officially a BLOGGER and the owner of a blog site called http://babblenbebel.com (Woot! Woot!) A newbie perhaps. But once a Blogger always a Blogger. How cool is that!!

I’m so excited as I have lots of things to share and write about. I don’t know where to begin or what topic should I write first. Should I write something random or specific.

Urghhh! It’s so annoying to find that I can be clueless when it comes to writing things I’m actually passionate about.

The thing is being a hardcore litigation lawyer for 14 years, writing shouldn’t be a problem to me. It’s my forte. I have been writing all kind of legal documents from pleadings to submissions to countless affidavits, legal opinions and agreements. I have written them in pages and thousands of words. Knowing how redundant legal writing can be, my vocabularies supposedly quite impressive I guess.

But let me tell you one thing, writing legal papers are way much different from writing a blog. It is something I was trained to do and repeatedly doing for as long as I could remember. In legal practice, sometimes I would came across similar cases. So basically, I knew exactly what to do. How to argue. What direction should I take. The most important thing is it’s never about me or my life but about the person or people I represent. It’s a lack of emotion and definitely a selfish job. I only have to think about my client[s] and their best interest. I don’t care what my opponent think or the implication it could cause on them [Yes. It’s a brutal reality].

The other thing is no one except these people are going to read my documents i.e [1] My client[s] [2] The Opponent and [3] The Judge. I have no one to impress but the Judge. Legal practice is always revolves around certain people or person’s life, properties, rights and interest. It’s always about win or lose. Who’s right who’s wrong.

Different from blogging, my writing could reach 10 or hundreds or thousands or probably millions of people. If I want to add value on many people’s life, I can’t be selfish in writing. I have to write in a manner and using terms that can easily relates and understand by many. In this context, legal papers are always confusing and hard to understand by most people who are not in this profession or never come across any legal conflicts. It took me years of experience to finally get a hang of this job.

Back to blogging, it’s an emotional journey to both blogger and readers. You can’t write something without a tint of emotion or else how can the readers relate to you and your post. That’s what I felt every time I read a blog. I want to read something I can relate myself to.

Like recently, I read a blog by https://fluffykittenparty.com/ about plus size travelers. It is something I can relate as I myself a plus size. Yeah you heard me right.

I want to write something funny and witty and compelling. It is the way of writing I can’t never do and implement in legal documents. But by being a Blogger I can showcase my writing talent in a different and most interesting and fashionable way. I can use crazy words..creating my own quotes…stating my own personal opinion. Different from legal documents, every statement made has to be backed by evidence and legal precedent. No rooms for unnecessary assumptions.

If you ask me which I prefer. Blogging of course!! without a doubt! I can be myself 200%. Remember what I said earlier, being a lawyer is a lack of emotion and selfish job, I could shamelessly told you that in person I am far from selfish and sometimes I am way too generous despite having the most brutal and harsh job in the world.

I know some lawyers could not agree and would love to sharpen their tongue and ready to argue about this.

Leave it.

I don’t really care. It’s my opinion and at the moment….only my opinion matters.

Till my next posts….lets agree to disagree.

So….It’s Official. I’m on Blog!!

Millions of people all over the world are already on blog. I guess I’m a late bloomer. Well…better late than never, right? The thing is I don’t read many blogs and I certainly had little ideas what blogging are all about. I’m not sure if anyone would want to read my writing.

A disclaimer before i keep on ranting unnecessarily , this blog is for me to speak my mind on certain things which I’m happy or not happy about. And….I might be getting a little too opinionated or ‘honest’ or angry or super excited over little things. So please don’t get offended or annoyed. It’s nothing about you or against you but about me and what I feel on daily basis.

I have been through a lot lately and most of the time I keep it to myself. Enough to drive me nuts! So, because I’m not good at expressing myself verbally despite being a lawyer for many years (trust me..dealing with clients’ problems are way much easier than my own) I will write whatever and how ever I like.

Anyhoo….I hope whoever come across this blog of mine do enjoy reading my posts. I will try my best to update my blog daily.

So, in the meantime, shall I say…..see you soon?