Disclaimer: This post narrated to me by someone who greatly affected emotionally by her past experiences. In order to get better she had to dealt with the trauma, face her fear and overcome her insecurities. One of which is making peace with her past. Road to recovery is never easy for those with depression. Show them some love if you happened to know one.
It is true. We can’t choose our parents.
Growing up in a house under strict parents made me questioning God (until now) why did he let me into this family. It was so wrong in multiple ways.
To be fair to my parents especially my father, yes.. he did provided us with the basics i.e clothes of his choice… Foods of his choice…School of his choice. Every single things in the house was his choice. We had no say on anything whatsoever. Never! We weren’t even allowed to question it. And that’s it. His words are final. No room for discussion.
My years of living with my parents full of terror, stress, hatred and…bruises because my dad believes instilling fears was the only way to discipline his little minions (us siblings). He resorts to beating, kicking and scolding and our crying is his favourite melody.
My Mother….she is one of a kind. Of course she was less vulgar and violence. But she is very cunning. Don’t get fooled by her sweet smile and friendly attitude. She was the main reason why beating and scolding seems endless in our house. My Mother…instead of defending us from my dad’s beating and scolding and kicking, just watched it and let it happened despite our crying for help. Why would she? When it was her who caused it with her never ending complaints and reports to my Father on how us siblings behaved on that day or that weeks or the previous weeks months or years.
Mind you we were only kids then. We just wanna have fun and enjoy our childhood like most other kids. We don’t have Internet back then but we invented fun games with our friends back at school and in the area we lived in. Most of the games were outdoors and world’s around us eventhough seems so small, have lots to explore.
But to my parents, we are not supposed to do that. We were supposedly staying home and help my mom with house chores i.e cooking..cleaning…washing. The only person who received favourable treatment from my parents is my eldest sister. She is their favourite child and the fact that she knew it and use it against us and still managed to get away with it made us hates our parents even more. We were very helpless at that time. That is why during our childhood days, my sister (the one that closest and dearest to me) and I always talking about leaving our parents and live somewhere else and build a home we always dream of and wanted to live in.
We always had each other backs.
Of course we fought. Siblings destined to fight against each other but we reconciled in a speed of light. We were so closed up to a point where we knew each others secrets and keeping them from my parents.
Until to date, the bond I have with my sister remains strong. She was the only one I can rely on especially emotionally.
Every year we were hoping for the changes in my parents behaviour. But until my teenager’s years though the physical threatening was lesser by 10%, the vulgar words were continously thrown at us daily. My parents has this exceptional ability to make their children feel less valuable, stupid, ugly and unworthy.
To sum up…my life with my parents never easy…I learnt happiness from strangers I met who become friends and family.
Despite the bad memories, we still love them and trying our best to provide them even more than what they had provided us.
When I said WE. It is me and the sister that I am close with. The eldest one the one that they had given and sacrifice so much..the one they thought that would take a great care of them was their biggest failure and disappointment. But my parents being my parent, despite the obvious they seems to live in denial. Guess what the favourite one remains favourite. She’s forgiven in many ways. But not us the other children, our existence depending on how much we can provide.
I still have the same dream though until to date…better parents that I never have and been longing for for as long as I could remember.
Oh ya talking about practice what you have preached…ha ha that was not my parents. Despite their high regards on moral value, family affairs and religions, they are the sinners in many ways. I hope their years of devotion to God will help them in Akhirat despite the damage they had caused to their children soul.
I was broken inside as a result of their actions and behaviour. I blame them in most ways. I have been struggling to fix the damaged they have done to my mental, humility and confident.
They never ask for our forgiveness but demanded us to ask for theirs.
They wanted us to respect and listen to them and I thought by being their child it is only natural to do so eventhough I feel wronged everytime until I understand that respect is to be earned not to be forced out of anyone.
It hurts. It is still.
Though they were forgiven.
I shall NEVER FORGET.