Home Sweet Home

Home is where heart is belong

“I dreamt of a home.

In that dream of mine

Home feels like heaven

It was bright and warm

It was so beautiful

I can’t stop smiling.

Oh how happy I am

To finally have a home

That I have been longing for.

In that dream of mine

Everything was there

In a home of mine

Where happiness knows no boundaries

Where laughter is contagious

Where fun is limitless

Where peace I finally found

In a dream of mine.

Do not wake me up now

Let me stay a lil bit longer

In a dream of mine.

In a dream of mine

I build a home.

In a dream of mine….

Sigh! It’s just a dream of mine”

Don’t Be… Just Don’t!

Don’t be parents just for the sake of making your parents happy for having a grandchildren.

Don’t be parents just because you need to prove that you are potent.

Don’t be parents just because you are married and the next thing to do is having a baby just because everyone did.

Don’t become parents just because you think baby is cute.

Don’t become parents just because you think you can do it. You are not Nike!

Please bear this in your mind..our children can’t choose their parents.

So if you can’t be the best version of yourself don’t even think of breeding another soul if you are only about to make their life miserable.

You have no right to put your child in unfair, miserable, less and unworthy life.

Just because your parent giving you the same shit that doesn’t mean your child should suffer the same.

You asked for them and them never asked for you.

Bear that in mind!

It’s real

When the anxiety and the depression kicked in for the first time…I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s triggered the attack. It was launched against me without warning. May be there was a warning…obviously I am totally unaware of it. I thought I am going to die….that day.

Anyhoo, it was 3 years ago. I’m not saying I am fully recovered from it. It just that I have found way to ‘control’ it. When I feel I am going to burst..I’ll pause in whatever I do at that moment and leave everything as it is. Whatever I’m doing at that moment, it will cause the anxious feeling and depression state deepen. I had to stop.

But depression never leave. Whether you realized it or not depression is already planting a bomb in you. It’s gonna explode anytime. When it does you are not gonna be the same you. It ruined you from the inside. Slowly but deeply.

When I first had it. It was at night. Inside my boyfriend’s car. We were on our way back home. I already feel different that day. Though my life was as usual I can’t help but feeling gloomy inside. I thought may be I’m tired from running my own legal firm and preparing for my wedding that going to happen in 3 weeks time. So that night I wasn’t expecting any unusual. Then it happened.

Suddenly my chest feels tight. I feel numb. I can’t feel my face. I’m out of breath. I thought I’m going to have a heart attack but I didn’t feel any sort of pain in my chest. But it’s so tight. I can’t breathed. Enough to send a panic alert to my boyfriend. We end up in the emergency room that night.

My life never the same anymore since that night.

I’m not writing this so that I can’t tell people how to successfully recovered from depression. Honestly, I don’t know how. I am certain no one knows or whether there is really a way to cure depression.

What I really wanted to tell is depression is real and its serious and harmful. Don’t ever joke about depression. Depression could kill and its already taken many life as we speak.

The scary thing is it could happened to every single one of people in this planet.

So educate yourself. Learn about depression. It could helped you and the people you love.

Broken

Disclaimer: This post narrated to me by someone who greatly affected emotionally by her past experiences. In order to get better she had to dealt with the trauma, face her fear and overcome her insecurities. One of which is making peace with her past. Road to recovery is never easy for those with depression. Show them some love if you happened to know one.

It is true. We can’t choose our parents.

Growing up in a house under strict parents made me questioning God (until now) why did he let me into this family. It was so wrong in multiple ways.

To be fair to my parents especially my father, yes.. he did provided us with the basics i.e clothes of his choice… Foods of his choice…School of his choice. Every single things in the house was his choice. We had no say on anything whatsoever. Never! We weren’t even allowed to question it. And that’s it. His words are final. No room for discussion.

My years of living with my parents full of terror, stress, hatred and…bruises because my dad believes instilling fears was the only way to discipline his little minions (us siblings). He resorts to beating, kicking and scolding and our crying is his favourite melody.

My Mother….she is one of a kind. Of course she was less vulgar and violence. But she is very cunning. Don’t get fooled by her sweet smile and friendly attitude. She was the main reason why beating and scolding seems endless in our house. My Mother…instead of defending us from my dad’s beating and scolding and kicking, just watched it and let it happened despite our crying for help. Why would she? When it was her who caused it with her never ending complaints and reports to my Father on how us siblings behaved on that day or that weeks or the previous weeks months or years.

Mind you we were only kids then. We just wanna have fun and enjoy our childhood like most other kids. We don’t have Internet back then but we invented fun games with our friends back at school and in the area we lived in. Most of the games were outdoors and world’s around us eventhough seems so small, have lots to explore.

But to my parents, we are not supposed to do that. We were supposedly staying home and help my mom with house chores i.e cooking..cleaning…washing. The only person who received favourable treatment from my parents is my eldest sister. She is their favourite child and the fact that she knew it and use it against us and still managed to get away with it made us hates our parents even more. We were very helpless at that time. That is why during our childhood days, my sister (the one that closest and dearest to me) and I always talking about leaving our parents and live somewhere else and build a home we always dream of and wanted to live in.

We always had each other backs.

Of course we fought. Siblings destined to fight against each other but we reconciled in a speed of light. We were so closed up to a point where we knew each others secrets and keeping them from my parents.

Until to date, the bond I have with my sister remains strong. She was the only one I can rely on especially emotionally.

Every year we were hoping for the changes in my parents behaviour. But until my teenager’s years though the physical threatening was lesser by 10%, the vulgar words were continously thrown at us daily. My parents has this exceptional ability to make their children feel less valuable, stupid, ugly and unworthy.

To sum up…my life with my parents never easy…I learnt happiness from strangers I met who become friends and family.

Despite the bad memories, we still love them and trying our best to provide them even more than what they had provided us.

When I said WE. It is me and the sister that I am close with. The eldest one the one that they had given and sacrifice so much..the one they thought that would take a great care of them was their biggest failure and disappointment. But my parents being my parent, despite the obvious they seems to live in denial. Guess what the favourite one remains favourite. She’s forgiven in many ways. But not us the other children, our existence depending on how much we can provide.

I still have the same dream though until to date…better parents that I never have and been longing for for as long as I could remember.

Oh ya talking about practice what you have preached…ha ha that was not my parents. Despite their high regards on moral value, family affairs and religions, they are the sinners in many ways. I hope their years of devotion to God will help them in Akhirat despite the damage they had caused to their children soul.

I was broken inside as a result of their actions and behaviour. I blame them in most ways. I have been struggling to fix the damaged they have done to my mental, humility and confident.

They never ask for our forgiveness but demanded us to ask for theirs.

They wanted us to respect and listen to them and I thought by being their child it is only natural to do so eventhough I feel wronged everytime until I understand that respect is to be earned not to be forced out of anyone.

It hurts. It is still.

Though they were forgiven.

I shall NEVER FORGET.