Divorce

It’s a scary things to some…. taboo topics for the elderly…a blessing for others.

People gave up their marriage for many reasons.

To be honest once you get married it is not easy to walk away.

Hence, divorce is not a drastic decision but a well thought of.

It took years for a wife to finally have the courage and strength to walk away from an abusive marriage and/or cheating husband.

It took countless effort of trying to save a marriage before a husband finally gave up with the selfish act of wife or in laws.

Because its never easy. You might have bee thinking of divorce 10 years before it is really happening.

It is always the case that people marry for love. But like a life, love has a life span and expiry date too. Couple often opted for divorce because they don’t love each other anymore and living together as married couple is no longer convenient. They eager to move on and going into a different direction. Whichever makes them happy.

And like marriage, divorce can be really costly.

Never ever criticize couple who opted for divorce. We are not in their situations or living their life. We don’t know what’s really happening for them to make such difficult decision.

There is nothing wrong with getting a divorce. What makes it wrong is because of some people who tends to label divorce as embarrassing and those who getting a divorce are sinners.

To me..

If leaving a bad marriage makes me happy…so be it. Let me be the sinner.

A R E S P E C T please…

Today I would like to talk about one thing in particular.

It is not a commodity but very high in demand.

It is the most valuable thing in every one’s life though not many own it.

It is something that money could not purchase though some people willing to spent fortune to earn it.

It is R E S P E C T.

Many have mistaken being polite to someone means a respect to that person. I can assure you that 100 of people may not be rude towards you but that doesn’t mean they are respecting you at any level.

Polite and Respect are two different things. They are not in pari materia or vis-a-vis with each other. They come in a different package and they offered a different meaning.

Polite is an act while respect is a…concept. You have to understand its meaning, purpose, execution and the value it carries.

Respect is larger than age, status, level of education and wealth.

We often misunderstand obedience, fear and silence as an act or gesture of respect.

We thought that by having more than anyone else i.e wealth, power, status, education or in this era of digital by having more followers…we deserve to be respected.

Respect is not an automatic right nor anyone can have it at any time and any where and however it was required.

As said earlier, respect is a concept to be learnt and understand. Similar to trust and love. It has to be earned but not force out of anyone.

Parents don’t earned the respect just because they giving birth and raised their children.

Employer don’t get respected just because they are paying the salaries.

Teachers don’t deserves outright respect just because they share their knowledge to students.

Ruling party of the country certainly received the least respect when they failed their people.

Dato/Datukship or being a wife/children/parents to someone with that title doesn’t give you the right to be respected rightaway.

Being a lawyer might sounds intimidated to many people yet again it doesn’t guarantee the respect some expected.

There are lots more example. Go figure.

What I wanted to say exactly is…Respect needs to be understood and properly placed.

Respect should not be interpreted literally or be taken lightly.

Respect has to be voluntarily delivers.

Respect is not easily earn. Once you lost it you will never get it back.

Respect itself is a very strong force. That is why people demand for respect as a validation. Respect added value to people’s life.

But respect in its truest form…

Is very tender and delicate in nature. Extra care and attention requires to prolong it life span. It has to be nurtured with acts of kindness sincererity and selfless amongst others.

Respect is well-known for it short life span.

Respect do die.

Just remember this….

Some people choose to act polite towards the others though they hate that persons because being rude is not an option. It is just wrong.

They choose not to act up but being polite because it saves them from negativities and unnecessary drama from a rude and selfish people who doesn’t deserves to be respected.

If you don’t know it yet…

A little act of kindness and compassion will earned you a big respect.

Try it.

Home Sweet Home

Home is where heart is belong

“I dreamt of a home.

In that dream of mine

Home feels like heaven

It was bright and warm

It was so beautiful

I can’t stop smiling.

Oh how happy I am

To finally have a home

That I have been longing for.

In that dream of mine

Everything was there

In a home of mine

Where happiness knows no boundaries

Where laughter is contagious

Where fun is limitless

Where peace I finally found

In a dream of mine.

Do not wake me up now

Let me stay a lil bit longer

In a dream of mine.

In a dream of mine

I build a home.

In a dream of mine….

Sigh! It’s just a dream of mine”

Don’t Be… Just Don’t!

Don’t be parents just for the sake of making your parents happy for having a grandchildren.

Don’t be parents just because you need to prove that you are potent.

Don’t be parents just because you are married and the next thing to do is having a baby just because everyone did.

Don’t become parents just because you think baby is cute.

Don’t become parents just because you think you can do it. You are not Nike!

Please bear this in your mind..our children can’t choose their parents.

So if you can’t be the best version of yourself don’t even think of breeding another soul if you are only about to make their life miserable.

You have no right to put your child in unfair, miserable, less and unworthy life.

Just because your parent giving you the same shit that doesn’t mean your child should suffer the same.

You asked for them and them never asked for you.

Bear that in mind!

It’s real

When the anxiety and the depression kicked in for the first time…I really don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s triggered the attack. It was launched against me without warning. May be there was a warning…obviously I am totally unaware of it. I thought I am going to die….that day.

Anyhoo, it was 3 years ago. I’m not saying I am fully recovered from it. It just that I have found way to ‘control’ it. When I feel I am going to burst..I’ll pause in whatever I do at that moment and leave everything as it is. Whatever I’m doing at that moment, it will cause the anxious feeling and depression state deepen. I had to stop.

But depression never leave. Whether you realized it or not depression is already planting a bomb in you. It’s gonna explode anytime. When it does you are not gonna be the same you. It ruined you from the inside. Slowly but deeply.

When I first had it. It was at night. Inside my boyfriend’s car. We were on our way back home. I already feel different that day. Though my life was as usual I can’t help but feeling gloomy inside. I thought may be I’m tired from running my own legal firm and preparing for my wedding that going to happen in 3 weeks time. So that night I wasn’t expecting any unusual. Then it happened.

Suddenly my chest feels tight. I feel numb. I can’t feel my face. I’m out of breath. I thought I’m going to have a heart attack but I didn’t feel any sort of pain in my chest. But it’s so tight. I can’t breathed. Enough to send a panic alert to my boyfriend. We end up in the emergency room that night.

My life never the same anymore since that night.

I’m not writing this so that I can’t tell people how to successfully recovered from depression. Honestly, I don’t know how. I am certain no one knows or whether there is really a way to cure depression.

What I really wanted to tell is depression is real and its serious and harmful. Don’t ever joke about depression. Depression could kill and its already taken many life as we speak.

The scary thing is it could happened to every single one of people in this planet.

So educate yourself. Learn about depression. It could helped you and the people you love.

Broken

Disclaimer: This post narrated to me by someone who greatly affected emotionally by her past experiences. In order to get better she had to dealt with the trauma, face her fear and overcome her insecurities. One of which is making peace with her past. Road to recovery is never easy for those with depression. Show them some love if you happened to know one.

It is true. We can’t choose our parents.

Growing up in a house under strict parents made me questioning God (until now) why did he let me into this family. It was so wrong in multiple ways.

To be fair to my parents especially my father, yes.. he did provided us with the basics i.e clothes of his choice… Foods of his choice…School of his choice. Every single things in the house was his choice. We had no say on anything whatsoever. Never! We weren’t even allowed to question it. And that’s it. His words are final. No room for discussion.

My years of living with my parents full of terror, stress, hatred and…bruises because my dad believes instilling fears was the only way to discipline his little minions (us siblings). He resorts to beating, kicking and scolding and our crying is his favourite melody.

My Mother….she is one of a kind. Of course she was less vulgar and violence. But she is very cunning. Don’t get fooled by her sweet smile and friendly attitude. She was the main reason why beating and scolding seems endless in our house. My Mother…instead of defending us from my dad’s beating and scolding and kicking, just watched it and let it happened despite our crying for help. Why would she? When it was her who caused it with her never ending complaints and reports to my Father on how us siblings behaved on that day or that weeks or the previous weeks months or years.

Mind you we were only kids then. We just wanna have fun and enjoy our childhood like most other kids. We don’t have Internet back then but we invented fun games with our friends back at school and in the area we lived in. Most of the games were outdoors and world’s around us eventhough seems so small, have lots to explore.

But to my parents, we are not supposed to do that. We were supposedly staying home and help my mom with house chores i.e cooking..cleaning…washing. The only person who received favourable treatment from my parents is my eldest sister. She is their favourite child and the fact that she knew it and use it against us and still managed to get away with it made us hates our parents even more. We were very helpless at that time. That is why during our childhood days, my sister (the one that closest and dearest to me) and I always talking about leaving our parents and live somewhere else and build a home we always dream of and wanted to live in.

We always had each other backs.

Of course we fought. Siblings destined to fight against each other but we reconciled in a speed of light. We were so closed up to a point where we knew each others secrets and keeping them from my parents.

Until to date, the bond I have with my sister remains strong. She was the only one I can rely on especially emotionally.

Every year we were hoping for the changes in my parents behaviour. But until my teenager’s years though the physical threatening was lesser by 10%, the vulgar words were continously thrown at us daily. My parents has this exceptional ability to make their children feel less valuable, stupid, ugly and unworthy.

To sum up…my life with my parents never easy…I learnt happiness from strangers I met who become friends and family.

Despite the bad memories, we still love them and trying our best to provide them even more than what they had provided us.

When I said WE. It is me and the sister that I am close with. The eldest one the one that they had given and sacrifice so much..the one they thought that would take a great care of them was their biggest failure and disappointment. But my parents being my parent, despite the obvious they seems to live in denial. Guess what the favourite one remains favourite. She’s forgiven in many ways. But not us the other children, our existence depending on how much we can provide.

I still have the same dream though until to date…better parents that I never have and been longing for for as long as I could remember.

Oh ya talking about practice what you have preached…ha ha that was not my parents. Despite their high regards on moral value, family affairs and religions, they are the sinners in many ways. I hope their years of devotion to God will help them in Akhirat despite the damage they had caused to their children soul.

I was broken inside as a result of their actions and behaviour. I blame them in most ways. I have been struggling to fix the damaged they have done to my mental, humility and confident.

They never ask for our forgiveness but demanded us to ask for theirs.

They wanted us to respect and listen to them and I thought by being their child it is only natural to do so eventhough I feel wronged everytime until I understand that respect is to be earned not to be forced out of anyone.

It hurts. It is still.

Though they were forgiven.

I shall NEVER FORGET.

Second baby….? Ermmm…NO!

Being a Mother is the most rewarding feeling I had ever experience but if people ask me whether I would love being a mother for the second time all over again…..I would say NO.

Absolutely NO.

I’m not mentally and emotionally strong to begin with. To be honest, I have a difficult time playing role as a Mother. I do not wish to be in a position where I am uncertain and clueless most of the time. However, being a parent put you in an uncertainty and inconvenience most of the time. It made me scared of what future gonna hold for my little boy.

To be really honest, I never dream of being a mother. It was never occurred to me and in my mind that one day I will become a mother. I am almost certain that I will never be able to get pregnant. Just because.

But God has a better plan for me. I could not understand it at first nor that I understand it better now, but who am I to question what he had in store for me. There must be a reason and one day it will hit me and I will be able to say “Ohhhhhh…now I know”

So for the time being let me try my very best to be a good mother to my adorable son. Though I constantly think that he deserves a better mother but to give him up is not something that I will ever do or think of. My son is the person that I love the most in this entire universe. The love I have for him is so true, pure and unconditional.

Sweeter than Jelly Bean.

Back to the thing I said earlier of me being a mother for the second time, it’s a personal choice that I would love people around me to respect despite the popular beliefs. I’m not against anything but each of us has different struggles. My life is different from other people’s life. I have my very own reasons. I will let God decides on my behalf as he knew what is the best for me. He knew why I do not wish to become a mother again but I also believe that he had forseen everything and what future hold for me. THEREFORE, if he eventually decided against my will I will accept it and redha.

*The 18th months young Sirr Abbasy Emmanuel.

For the Love of Dim Sum

I love Dim Sum.

Who doesn’t?!

But normally, people went for a dim sum spree with friends or family. It’s a sumptuous meal that gets even delicious if enjoyed by many while updating each others on recent scandalous gossips or down memory lane over almost forgotten gossips.

Not in my case.

Since no body is available to join me on my Sunday’s Dim Sum buffet @ Hyatt Regency Kinabalu quest, I went there all by myself. ALONE. Yup!

Some will think ‘How pitiful’. Who would wanted to have a meal alone.

Ermmmm. ME.

I DID IT COUNTLESS TIMES. AND ITS TOTALLY FINE.

Plus, I don’t really have that many close friends to begin with. The older I gets, the smallest circle of friends I had.

I will end up real alone and really lonely by the time I reach 60.

So back to my dim sum story. I think I have gone a little bit too greedy. I wanna try everything on the table so I ended up putting every kind of dim sum on my plates and then realized, I might be a little too much for some one who went there ALONE.

But to return it back to the tray would be inappropriate and no one is allowed to have a ‘take out’ for left over dim sum.

So you can imagine what happened next to the greedy girl. What supposed to be enjoyable and fun dim sum eating session become the most suffering moment of stuffing the dim sum to your mouth and forcing it way in to your already full tummy for the sake of trying to finish them all.

At the end, I didn’t finish it. I COULDN’T or else I will end up dying for eating too much dim sum.

So I gave up. That’s enough!

Soooo…..

Do I really enjoy eating dim sum alone?

I don’t mind the eating alone part. I will do it again sooner than I thought. BUT do I wanna have another dim sum buffet sessions any time sooner? Ask me again after 8 months. I think I have a little too much love for dim sum this time around. I need a break!

Photos: Some of the dim sum I had on my table.

*The price for the buffet is RM88/-.

R.E.B.O.R.N

I’m back on blog!

I know I have made a promise to blog everyday. I DID….for three consecutive days! What an achievement. But promises are meant to be broken 😂. So….I stop after 3rd publication. For good!

Nahh…just kidding.

Too many things happened and the recent one was my father Bypass graft operation. So my focused at that critical time was on different things. Hence, this blogging thing was put on hold until further notice.

Anyhoo…past is past and now I’m on blog again.

Andddd……

I wanna share something interesting.

The thing about me is I can’t keep my mouth shut if I am excited about something or something exciting is happening in my life. So the urge of spreading the excitement made me wanted to blog about it very badly.

Here it goes.

I owned a law firm since 14.08.2015. But it was not like any other law firm. I was operating from home. For almost three years. And yeah…I have no physical office. Just a small room in my rented apartment decorated into a nice working space. I’m doing okay but not great. Then, two years later, I venture into fashion design business. Guess what?! It doesn’t turn out the way I expected. Another then…I got pregnant. Had a baby. Too much too handle for a first time ever mom..I put my career on hold for almost two years.

The thing is..being a mother is a big responsibilities especially on the financial side. Raising a child had drained out my savings. Plus, I don’t have strong support system. I’m basically on my own most of the time. I just didn’t get the helped that I’m expected. Enough said. I’m not going to elaborate more on that. I am a positive person now.

So, being a full time mom allows me to re-evaluate everything that had happened in my life. From the good and the bad. The ups and the downside. The success and the failure. And the FUTURE of my son.

I never had an easy start from the very beginning. I was born in an average income family. What we had is just enough. Then my dad got a lil bit of luck in business and he managed to send us all for higher education before he running out of luck and out from business several years later. We were far from rich but definitely better than before during that glorious time. So for the education provided by my dad, I am trully grateful.

When I’m in a legal practice, I met different kind of people with a different kind of upbringing. Some were considered extremely lucky for having a rich parents. Some were meant to inherit already established law firm. As for myself, I have to start from scratch. It was difficult…really difficult I’m not gonna lie. Of course I learnt a lot from that experience. The toughest the better they said. But do I wish my child to suffer as much? God forbid!

I know some will said, it will be a good lesson for them. They need to know the value of hardwork. But how do you know that the already rich kids doesn’t have to work hard just because their parents are a good provider. Let me tell you something. The spoil brat rich kid is a fairy tale. Almost non-existent. I never met spoil brat rich kids in my 39 years of living. What I witnessed was a constant effort to be as better as their rich parents and making them proud of their achievement. That is how they thank their parents for giving them so much in life. They don’t take things for granted.

Being rich doesn’t mean they work less harder than other people. Everyone had a different struggle. The good thing is they are quite lucky in a sense that their parents have provided them with a strong and establish platform.

This is what I wanted to give my son…a legacy. Something he can continue from where I left.

So with little money I had, I planned for me and my son’s future. There was a struggle in between but its okay now.

So..goes back to my law firm things. Though over the years I have developed love and hate…on and off relationship with this profession, I have to admit that through this job I managed to make enough savings and allows me to take a break and be a full time mother to my almost two years old son.

This job gives me more than I expected. Plus, this upcoming 1st July marked my 14th years in this industry.

So I made a decision to continue being a lawyer. I was meant for this job anyway. For perpetuity. Instead of rejecting the already sealed fate, might as well I go along with it and make the most out of it. Afterall, I know how to make this works. I have been in this industry for quite sometimes and I believe I have learnt enough survival tricks to remain in this profession for a very long period of time.

So I made a bold decision. With some savings left, I begin to look for a office to rent. Not space. Not virtual office. BUT a proper office.

I should have done this long time ago. Work and personal life will never get along well if you mix them in one place. In my case, home office was really a bad idea. I learnt my lesson.

There was this saying-

‘Treat your business like a business it will pay you AS A business but treat your business like hobby it will cost you LIKE hobby’

So, if I really wanted to make this works, I need to do it right.

Of course in whatever decision we are making, there’s always pros and cons and risks running along with it. BUT I need to make this works. No room for doubts, self defeated monologue and giving up. For the sake of my son’s future I really….for the 100th times….really needs to make this works.

And……thankfully and gratefully, I have an undivided support from my sister. She knew the struggle I’m living under and offered to help me in a most unexpected way. For that I’m trully grateful. Ani…lets do this for our beloved child.

So…on my next blog I will share some photos of my newly renovated office for my law firm.

It’s a small office but for the time being this is the best I could afford. Lets pray that the business doing well so I can have the bigger one in a future.

Insha Allah. AMIN.

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